Queer As Folk fic: Murder the Makings

[ninety6tears]

Title: Murder the Makings
(one-shot, 489 words)
Characters/Pairings: Brian/Justin
Rating: PG
Warning: Spoilers for 122/201-ish
Note: I was watching the ending of 122 last night and this fic just started writing itself. It speaks from Brian's revelation of the absolute loss of possibility and beginning between him and Justin that occurred because of the bashing.



Sometimes I ponder what would have become of that scarf, that I flipped over your neck, lassoed you in with to rest on your body against the car, after it passed from my shoulders to yours and back and forth, silky and white before it was bloodied; but if it hadn’t been, I wonder. Would we have kept it for us and made it a relic? Would it whisper against the skin of my neck as you pulled it off me in the naked midst of nuzzling and biting and so much pushing and pulling with joyous sneers; would you wear it to school mismatched under your jacket and would I reclaim it in the evening with a playful grasp so that it wouldn’t be my hands pulling you in but your lips would meet mine just the same? Would people start saying, “What’s with that scarf?” Lindsey might know what it really meant and Michael would cock a brow over it a couple times but eventually smile at our ongoing tug-of-war. My wind would weave into woozy senseless metaphors about your skin against mine as we fell helpless into tangled sleep, always having to forage for the damn thing in the morning; it could be caught around an elbow, or thrown across the room. We would forget where I bought it long after the label wore off but still remember the eyes of each other in the perfect light of a ballroom with all those kids staring and gaping, back when you were younger than you knew.

Because this is what you think about in a hospital when somebody might die; or days after, or months more. You try to pull happiness into this wall around you but still there’s the smell of blood that makes it hard to tell yourself that this certain kind of terrified doesn’t mean that it’s not worth living at all. You realize that even through your wisdom and indifference, things are not even close to as permanent as they should be. One song, three minutes long; it’s worth three days of waiting to know if you’ll make it out of this mess. I know this, but I don’t feel it, and I’m waiting for you to wake up to tell me why I should stay. Even though I wait for this, outside your door where the walls are frighteningly pale, I’m kidding myself because I know I’d run as soon as you opened your eyes.

This long white thing, like nothing I’ve worn before. I can no longer remember what it looked like without the stains, and I don’t know any reason why I should. I wear it hidden, gagged under my clothes, because the reasons I have to tell you that something of me was born and then died that night are lost from me.

I can only hope your hands will find it when I don’t have the arms to push you away.

Comments

[vlredreign.livejournal.com]

Your white scarf story is waaaaay better than mine. Lovely!

[ninety6tears.livejournal.com]

aww, thanks!

[crazedteddygram.livejournal.com]

this is soooo good.

[ninety6tears.livejournal.com]

thanks!

[crazedteddygram.livejournal.com]

ps) you write qaf AND brokeback mountain fic ?
i am friending you right this second !

[ninety6tears.livejournal.com]

*excitedly friends you back*

[sannea.livejournal.com]

That last line is just perfect :-)

[ninety6tears.livejournal.com]

:) thank you

[peripety]

A wonderful last line. There is so much symbolism in that scarf, isn't there?

[ninety6tears.livejournal.com]

Oh, I could write a dozen fics about the damn scarf, but I won't. Thanks for reading!

[ellcrys70]

Beautiful.

[ninety6tears.livejournal.com]

thanks :)

[flowrs4ophelia.livejournal.com]

As I started reading this, I thought the beginning was just too sentimental and cheesy for Brian/Justin. But once I got to the line Because this is what you think about in a hospital when somebody might die, I kind of thought, Oh, shit. Because that's how all people really are when dealing with stuff like this. After you lose somebody or if you think you could lose somebody, suddenly no thoughts about them can seem too sentimental. Any reservations or shame you would usually have about crying in front of people or getting extremely upset are suddenly non-existent. Feelings and thoughts that might be embarrassing or over-the-top to you before suddenly seem overdue. To imagine Brian thinking this way about Justin while in the hospital is just devastating. He's in an absolutely vulnerable state where it's just impossible to fool himself at all right now. You've managed to write about his emotions at this point in time in such a way that you can totally understand them and identify with them. Muchos kudos, bitch. :)

[ninety6tears.livejournal.com]

When I was revising this I actually kind of realized, 'If Brian doesn't seem out-of-character in this first paragraph, I did something wrong.' As I'd been watching the way Brian and Justin act with each other during and right after the prom dance, my mind just started forming this whole this-was-seconds-away-from-happening history between them that is nothing like what they actually became; the transition to the hospital should seem jarring, because it's shifting between the person Brian almost allowed himself to be and the reality in which he recoils in devastation from his chance at happiness. The odd thing is that this came out first-person (something I NEEEEVER thought I'd do with Brian), and so the tone is a little clumsy, but oh well.

[confiteor-3.livejournal.com]

This is utter brilliance! That last line just killed me. So much love for this!

[ninety6tears.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed it